


If Only He Knew I Loved Him

by 7070_0707



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Couch Cuddles, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, just a little mention, self deprecation, seven is a sad spaghet, vander comforts him with attention and affection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26338486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7070_0707/pseuds/7070_0707
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Vanderwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	If Only He Knew I Loved Him

Luciel rolled over, wrapping himself tighter in the thick, heavy comforter on his bed. His room was a mess, he doesn't remember the last time he's seen sunlight and he hasn't moved from his blanket nest for almost two days other than for the occasional trip to the bathroom. 

He didn't know if anyone had tried to reach him, his phone had died the day before and he hadn't bothered to charge it. He figured no one would really miss his presence; he had gone AWOL several times before, the RFA must've gotten used to it by now. As for the Agency, he had handed in his final assignment for the month a while back and if they needed to contact him they always sent in Vanderwood. They had informed the two that his next assignment will be given to him the following week, which means Vanderwood won't really be bothering him anytime soon either. 

That's right, they only contacted him when they needed him for something. Or more specifically, his skills. The Agency didn't really care for him as a person, he was nothing but a mere pawn for the agency; a robot who worked day and night to make his superiors happy with the outstanding results he always supplied them with. If Luciel disappeared, they wouldn't miss him. He would just be replaced immediately.

Part of him wondered if it would be the same with the RFA.

They were a lovely bunch, Seven couldn't lie. It was always fun to tease the younger blonde, he never failed to amuse the hacker with his flustered little reactions and pouty face. He liked harassing Jumin and "antagonizing" his precious Elly. He liked sending cat pictures to the chatroom when both Zen and Jaehee were online just to annoy them. Despite his antics they had always welcomed him with smiles and sometimes even played along with his silly jokes and behavior. 

At times like those he really wished he _were_ the Luciel he pretended to be in the chatroom. He wished he were the mask he put on and pretended to be, he wished he could actually leave the Agency behind and live his life happily with the other RFA members, that he could enjoy that simple life with them. But it was the mask they had grown attached to and considered as their friend, not the person behind it. And besides, he knew he could never do it.

More like he knew he didn't deserve it.

Not after how he had abandoned Saeran with their abusive mother.

V had stopped giving him regular updates on his brother a long time ago, he didn't even know if Saeran was okay. The only "proof" or consolation he got was V's word. The man was absent 90% of the time, only occasionally popping into the chatroom and the times he actually picked up his calls were even more rare. He couldn't help but find it suspicious that the older male only gave him vague answers, and on the days he couldn't give him any answers at all? Apologies spilled from his lips over and over until he disappeared for another two weeks and avoided his phone again. 

The redhead quietly curled up into a smaller ball in the darkness of his room. He didn't know what time it was and he didn't care, it wasn't like he had anywhere to be. A failure like him didn't deserve to spend time with people like Yoosung and Jumin, he didn't deserve to get to see his brother again, he didn't deserve to feel happiness and love and any of those positive emotions that brought warmth to his chest. He's only good for hacking, what use is there for him if he isn't doing the one thing he's good at?

Maybe he could just stay there in the darkness forever. Hacking robots like him didn't need food or water, he'll be fine. Just a few more days until his handler comes with the assignment and his trusty taser to make sure Seven did his work-

Ah, fuck. He'd almost forgotten about his handler.

Vanderwood was going to throw a _fit_ when he saw the state of the bunker. Luciel had fucked up the place even worse than the last time he had visited him, he was gonna be _pissed_ . Usually, the idea of Vander chasing him with the taser would've given him at least _some_ motivation to clean up, even if it is just a tiny bit. But today? He couldn't be bothered to even move the empty can of soda off his nightstand and into the overflowing trash can nearby. It stank but instead of taking out the trash he just sprayed some Febreze onto it before crawling into bed. Vanderwood was going to be so _pissed-_

Was that the sound of the front door opening…? 

Well, _shit_. 

He hoped his handler wasn't already in a bad mood. Because right now, considering Luciel's current state, if Vander yelled at him he would definitely end up crying. He didn't like the idea of crying a third time that day. Or will it be the fourth? He couldn't really remember, it's not like it mattered anyways. 

For some reason, Seven had been locking his bedroom door even though he was the only one home and wasn't expecting anyone else. And right now he was glad for that little habit, this meant Vander won't be able to get in. It meant Vander won't see the pathetic state he's in, that Luciel won't be bothering him… well, at least not that much. His refusal to answer him or let him know he's home would probably count as being a bother.

He heard his footsteps halt and he assumed the agent had reached his living room where he had left empty bags of Honey Budda Chips on the floor, stacks of PhD Pepper cans on the coffee table and dirty clothes and cushions thrown here and there. And then he heard the agent cussing up a storm and more footsteps as he approached his door quickly. 

"Seven you little shit stick- how many times have I told you to fucking stop leaving messes like that, I'm not your fucking _maid-_ " 

The redhead quietly wrapped the comforter tighter around his body and curled up around the pillow, his shoulders hunching up around his ears at the sound of the doorknob rattling. The taller male on the other side of the door huffed as he tried to turn the doorknob again… and paused when he realized the prankster wasn't leaning against the door as he initially thought but had in fact locked it, which was new.

"Seven if you're in there open the fucking door. I'm not playing these games with you." 

Luciel didn't get up, nor did he let him know he was there. Maybe if Vander didn't know he was home he'd leave and Luciel could get back to crying himself back into another depression "nap" that lasts eight hours. He moved a hand over his ear to muffle the sound of the doorknob rattling again. 

"Agent Zero Seven! I swear- I know you're in there! Your tacky hoodie is out on the couch and you never leave without it. All your keys are in the drawer, I know you're home. Open the fucking door." 

Damn, he had checked all that before coming to his room? Ah, that might've been why Luciel heard his footsteps pause in the living room almost as soon as he got in. Vander could yell at him all he wants, Luciel wasn't going to move from his bed. 

"If you don't open the door I'm breaking it down."

 _Then go ahead._ He merely curled up more around the pillow. His eyelashes were still wet with tears from crying earlier and his pillow had a huge tear stain on the other side from where he rolled over. Part of him expected Vander to leave after he got no reply but he knew Vander always carried out his threats. He really didn't want Vander to see him like this. The redhead quietly pulled the blankets higher up over his head, pulling the pillow he was cuddling to his chest and buried his face in it.

Just seconds later the door knob stopped rattling and Luciel braced himself for the taller male to break the door down. But instead of hearing the loud noise of him kicking the door down he hears something jiggling in the lock and the door swings open in less than a minute.

Luciel doesn't move nor does he make a noise, he hoped Vander thought he's sleeping and leaves him alone. But of course, when did things go his way today? 

The footsteps approach him and he feels the mattress dip down where Vander sat on the bed. A couple seconds later the blanket over his head was gently tugged down, exposing him to the cold air that was outside his little blanket bubble of warmth. Then there was silence, and he was about to prepare himself for getting dragged out of bed but it surprised him when he heard the unexpectedly soft sigh from the agent before he pulled the blanket back up to his shoulders. 

_Did it work?_ The footsteps sounded fainter as Vanderwood left the room and Luciel’s shoulders sagged in relief, this meant he was probably going to leave him alone-

….or not. Instead of hearing the front door open he hears the soft splashing sound of water running in the bath. 

Well, whatever. Vander acted like he owned the bunker anyways, scolding Seven whenever he made a mess, coming over and cooking whenever he felt like it and cleaning the place until it shone so bright it hurt Luciel's eyes. Luciel couldn't care less what Vander did as long as he didn't bother him at the moment, if he needed a bath he could take a bath and leave.

The sound of water running was somehow calming, and he shifted a little in bed to get more comfortable and hopefully go back to sleep. But a few minutes later the footsteps approached his room again and he groaned internally, pulling the blanket back up over his head as if it were a barrier to protect and shield him from his handler. 

Both Luciel's security system _and_ his door lock couldn't stop Vanderwood and it was highly unlikely a blanket could; it was ridiculous of the hacker to hope it would keep him from bothering him. Vander tugged the blanket away from him but this time, he pulled it all the way off his body and dropped it on the other side of the bed before grabbing him by the shoulders and carefully pulling him up. His grip was firm but surprisingly gentle for someone who could break necks with his bare hands and Luciel was caught off guard by how careful he was being with him.

"Luciel, I know you're awake. Get the fuck up." He sounded mildly irritated and the hacker was honestly too tired to listen to him and play along, he just wanted to get back to sleep. He weakly tried to push his hands away and laid back down, curling up around the pillow again. He hoped Vander would let him sleep but those hopes were crushed by Vanderwood’s arms snaking around his shoulder and under his knees. He found himself scooped up in his arms and groaned internally, there was no way he could fight him off now.

Part of him was angry at Vanderwood for being so stubborn and refusing to let him sleep but he was too tired to fight or argue. He didn't question him or resist as Vanderwood carried him into the bathroom and gently set him down to remove Luciel's cross necklace from around his neck. Vanderwood carefully set it down next to the sink before placing his hands on the hem of his shirt and pulling it up. The hacker silently raised his arms to help him and Vander quietly observed his arms and upper body. Luciel thinks he’s probably checking him for self harm injuries but Vander didn’t have to worry about that. He didn’t have the energy to find the blade this time.

"Strip and get into the tub. I'll have some food ready for you by the time you're done."

He closes the bathroom door as he leaves Luciel alone to go cook. Needless to say, the hacker was caught a little off guard by how Vanderwood was acting but listens to him. He was too exhausted to put up a fight, and he knew Vander wouldn’t leave him alone until he listened to him and did what he wanted. 

Luciel left his clothes in a messy pile in the middle of the bathroom floor before getting in the tub and it was only then that he realized how cold he was. The warm water felt great on his cold skin and he all but melted into the shimmery water. Vander had dropped in one of Luciel’s favorite galaxy bath bombs, the ones that smelled like berries and had a glittery shine that made the water sparkle like the starry night sky he loved. 

It amused him slightly, the taller agent _hated_ those bath bombs with a burning passion. He was always complaining about how they often stained the tub and yelled at Seven on multiple occasions to rinse it out when he was done, that the glitter was an absolute bitch to deal with. And yet, he had added one to the bath for him. It was thoughtful and Luciel found himself smiling softly as he let his fingertips dance over the surface of the water, the colors and shimmer moving around and following the path of his fingers.

He stayed there playing with the water until Vander came in with a small bundle of clothes. He glanced over at him to make sure he was alright before placing them on the sink counter and picking up the dirty clothes Luciel had abandoned in the middle of the bathroom floor. "Get out before the water gets cold." 

Luciel nods quietly and Vander leaves the bathroom again, leaving the hacker alone in the shimmery water. Vanderwood was a man of few words, he rarely spoke full sentences and when he did it was usually to cuss him out but Luciel had grown extremely fond of that, mainly of the cute little accent that came out whenever he was spitting out some uh, _very_ colorful words at the trash he’s cleaning up. But just now Luciel was almost convinced that the other male said that because he didn't want him to stay in cold water for too long and get sick. Another part of him was telling him that the reason he said it was because if he got sick, then it would be a bother for Vanderwood to take care of him. 

And currently, that part was winning.  
  
He sighed softly as he pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees. Vanderwood was taking care of him right now, getting him out of bed and making him take a bath while he cooked for him. And all it did was make Luciel feel like a bother. 

The man might’ve threatened to tase him or burn his favorite chips on more than one occasion but he had never done it. Ever since they met, all he had been doing was make sure he was healthy and safe, and was finishing his work on time to keep the Agency off both of their backs. He had taken care of him when he was sick, defended and protected him and even fought to stay as his handler when the Agency was considering assigning Vanderwood to a new agent who had just joined. It was something he had never expected Vanderwood to do, if he really had annoyed him as much as Vanderwood had claimed then he would’ve jumped at the chance to get away from him but no, he _fought_ to stay by his side.

Remembering that Vanderwood never left his side even when he was being a little shit helped him feel a little bit better. Of course, out of everyone he was close to, Vanderwood was one of the few that could leave him the easiest. He could resign, or assign Luciel to another handler, or even just kill him off when he got on too many of his nerves at once. But did he? Nope. The most he’d done was threaten to tase him when he didn’t finish his work but that helped motivate his sorry ass to continue his assignments that he needed to do. 

Now that he thought about it, Luciel was being selfish when he was putting off his work. It wasn’t just his safety he was compromising by slacking off on important jobs, but he was also putting pressure and stress on the man who stayed by his side and had looked after him for nearly five years. Damn, Vanderwood really deserved better. Maybe he should ask for a new handler so Vanderwood would at least have some peace of mind and could work with someone who was more manageable than him-

Aaaand he was being selfish, _again._ Trying to make choices that would affect the two just by himself without considering Vanderwood’s feelings. 

Damn, Luciel really was a pathetic asshole. 

He sighed and stretched his legs out, slinking against the tub as he sank into the water. He was sure his hair would have bits of glitter from the bath bomb by sinking into the water and would have to rinse it out but he honestly couldn’t care much at that point. He merely sank more, the shimmery bath water was almost cold now and he could feel goosebumps rise across his arms as the water soaked into his hair and pooled into his ears. 

Luciel closed his eyes when he felt the water slowly cover his face and his body relaxed, he felt weightless as he stayed fully submerged underwater, wondering if this was how it felt to be in space. Cold, dark and lonely, with no one around to hear him even if he cried and screamed his lungs out. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that when suddenly he felt a pair of strong hands grip his shoulders and pull him up. Luciel sputtered as he tried to get the water that went up his nose out and wiped at his face, his heart rate spiked at the sudden way he was pulled out of the peaceful state he was in just seconds ago.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing you _fuckin dumbass-”_

Ah, there was that familiar voice again. Luciel turned to look at him, his heart sinking a little at the expression on his face. There was fear and concern in Vanderwood’s eyes, it was something he wasn’t used to seeing and hoped he wouldn’t see again. The man was always so composed and well put together, and it took a lot to rattle him. Did Luciel do something wrong..? He couldn’t tell. 

The redhead opened his mouth and closed it again, not knowing what to say to this obviously shaken man in front of him. Instead, he placed a hand on top of Vanderwood’s that was still on his shoulder. Vanderwood was holding him tightly, almost as if he were afraid that Luciel would slip into the water again-

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s what scared him.

Ah great, he only worried him more now. Why was Luciel so fucking dumb? He hated himself for it. He was just giving him more worries and stress, Vanderwood’s first grey hairs on his beautiful and yet salty head were going to be because of him, he knew it. Luciel looked away from Vanderwood’s panicked face and down at his hands that were gripping the redheads shoulders and squeezed his hand gently.

“.....I’m not going anywhere. Stop worrying.” Luciel’s voice was hoarse and scratchy from days of not speaking, not to mention the fact he was dehydrated from avoiding drinking water for so long had fucked up his throat more as well.

“...good. You better not.”

Vanderwood’s grip loosened on his shoulders and he heard him sigh softly. Luciel could only imagine how panicked Vander would’ve been to find the depressed hacker he was supposed to be watching over disappear under the shimmery water. Fuck.

Luciel hated himself so much right now.

“...I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Vanderwood was quick to reassure him. Luciel knew it wasn’t fine but he didn’t want to put up a fight with him. Vanderwood was stubborn and a fight with him would be tiring right now. 

The tall male moved a hand from his shoulders to dip his fingers into the water and clicked his tongue. “It’s getting cold. Here-” He reached over to turn the tap on, adding more hot water to warm up the bath again. Luciel was surprised, he’d expected scolding from him since Vanderwood had instructed him to get out before the water got cold and not only did Luciel not listen, he also gave him a heart attack while he was at it. 

Vanderwood rinsed his hands under the running water and turned the tap off when the water was warm enough before rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. They were already wet since he’d reached into the water to pull the redhead out but he didn’t seem to pay much attention to it as he reached for the shampoo. Luciel expected him to hand him the bottle but the brunet merely poured some into his hands and started washing his hair for him.

“You don’t have to-”

“You’re right, I don’t. But I’m doing it anyway so shut up and relax.”

There was no room for argument in his tone and Luciel accepted defeat, leaning back against the tub as Vanderwood massaged his scalp and lathered up his greasy hair to get the Honey Budda chip crumbs out. He closed his eyes, sighing softly as he enjoyed the feeling of his fingers running through his hair. He was gentle with him, carefully avoiding tugging at the tangles in his hair as he massaged his scalp. Vanderwood eventually rinsed his hair out and got the conditioner before finally working on detangling the red locks.

“Ow-” The redhead winced when he accidentally tugged a bit too hard at one of the knots in his hair. 

“Sorry. Can’t say it won't happen again though, there’s still a few. I’ll try to be more careful.”

“...it's fine. You don’t really have to do this-”

“I want to.”

“What?”

Luciel blinked. Vanderwood _wanted_ to do this for him? He was always complaining about how annoying it was to clean up after the hacker, so Luciel naturally assumed Vanderwood was doing this because it was part of his job and he felt obligated to take care of him. 

“Did I stutter?” Vanderwood raised an eyebrow at him. He just wanted to take care of the younger male, what was so hard to understand? Unfortunately for Vanderwood, he couldn’t quite get _exactly_ why Luciel was so surprised by those three little words.

“N-no but I just....why? I’ve been nothing but an annoying burden to you-”

“Hey.”

Luciel paused when Vanderwood booped his nose and blinked down at the little foam bubble on the tip of his nose. The unexpected action had thrown Luciel off completely. He turned his head to look at him only to be greeted by a soft glare that made him immediately sink a little into the water.

“Stop talking about yourself like that. Did I ever say you’re a burden? No. You don’t get to think of yourself like that and you don’t get to assume that’s how I feel about you. I didn’t stay with you for five years just for shits and giggles.”

Well, damn. You can always count on Vanderwood for some tough love. Luciel honestly wasn’t really used to him talking like this, it didn’t help that this was the most open he’d been with him since they began working together. And the boop? It was new too. Luciel was still reeling from the fact that he just got booped as if he were a kitten by a man who killed people with his bare hands. 

Well, at least it helped distract him from the depressive thoughts a bit.

He had to admit, it felt nice to be taken care of and pampered like this. The redhead was already starting to feel better. Luciel leaned into his touch, closing his eyes as he let Vanderwood continue playing with his hair. The taller agent had gotten most of the tangles out now and was just massaging his scalp gently as he played with his hair.

“What do you mean you’re not doing this “for shits and giggles,” you’re getting paid to be my handler. But that doesn't mean you should be pampering me like this, I’m fine-”

“No you’re not and I’ll take care of you and pamper you until you’re feeling better. No arguing.”

“But-”

“No.”

“I don’t want to be a-”  
  
“Call yourself a burden one more time and I’ll add extra vegetables to your dinner.”

“....rude. You know I hate vegetables.”

“You still need to eat healthy, Zero Seven. I’m not having you get sick from lack of nutrients on my watch.”

He finished detangling his hair and rinsed it out, running his fingers through Luciel’s no longer crumb-filled hair to brush it away from his golden eyes. They were red and puffy and Vanderwood could tell he’d been crying on and off for a long time. The brunet wiped away the little foam bubble that was still on the tip of his nose with a soft sigh.

Before he knew it he found himself cupping the redhead's face, pulling him closer and leaning in to press a soft kiss on his forehead. He let his lips linger on his skin for a bit longer before he pulled away. Vanderwood paused for a split second before letting him go when he realized what he’d done and stood up, walking over to the sink to rinse his hands off properly. 

“...come to the kitchen when you’re done, I’ll get your dinner done while you finish washing up.”

And with that, he walked out of the bathroom, leaving a dumbfounded hacker in the bathtub. A few seconds later Luciel’s face exploded in color and he quickly sank back into the tub, burying the bottom half of his face in the dark, starry water. The water drowned out the flustered little whine that left him, two little bubbles were the only thing that escaped the surface of the water.

This wasn’t fair. The little kiss had thrown him off completely, and Luciel’s heart was beating a little too fast over a simple gesture of affection. 

Why? 

Oh, it was because Luciel had developed a crush on the man a couple years back and had been trying to get over it without success. 

And what Vanderwood just did made whatever feelings he had quelled rise back up to the surface again.

No biggie.

...

_Fuck._

“Haha, I’m in danger.”

And while Luciel was having his little gay crisis in the bathroom, Vanderwood was busy having one of his own in the kitchen. The man had his face buried in his hands and was groaning into them as he tried to recollect himself.

“Fuck, why did you do that you fuckin _dipshit-”_ Vander was clearly not amused by his own actions. He was supposed to keep his feelings to himself! He was supposed to keep them hidden, and not make any moves on the red haired hacker. After all, Vanderwood was the one who’d told the hacker that agents were not meant to have relationships, that they were not meant to fall in love and have attachments. He did it to protect him, and now he was doing dumb shit that contradicted his own advice. So much for practicing what he preached.

Fuck, Vanderwood really was a fuckin shitty handler.

He quickly pulled himself together and took a deep breath. He changed out of his wet shirt and into more comfortable clothes he’d stashed at Luciel’s bunker before continuing to make the hacker his dinner. The bitch was depressed, and he liked cute shit. So Vanderwood was going to get that depressed bitch some cute shit. He deserved it after all, and Vanderwood _did_ promise him that he was going to pamper him until he felt better. Maybe if the hacker behaved and finished his work on time after this he’d continue spoiling him with good food. 

...and possibly with some more affection…?

He stopped himself right there.

There was no fucking way he should be allowed to treat the hacker to more affection, it would just screw them both over. Besides, he didn’t even know if the hacker liked Vanderwood the way Vanderwood liked him. He shouldn't bring his hopes up. They were agents, if they ever got into a relationship it would just be used against them.

He looked up at the door as the scent of wild berries suddenly filled the room only to see Luciel come in, his heart jumping when he saw how cute the hacker looked in Vanderwoods shirt. The hacker rolled up the sleeves a little, the shirt was a bit too big on him and the sleeves were flopping down over his hands. It was cute, a small part of Vanderwood wished he had left the sleeves the way they were; Luciel looked smaller and softer when he was drowning in the oversized shirt but the other part knew that if he did then Vanderwood would have trouble not squishing the hacker half to death in a hug while not squealing internally over how perfectly adorable he was.

“This is your shirt.” Luciel stated the fact as if it were a question and Vanderwood shrugged before getting back to putting the finishing touches on his food, trying to ignore his racing heartbeat.

“Your laundry piled up and there’s no clean shirts of yours left.”

“...oh.”

“Yea.”

“My bad.”

“It’s fine, I’ll get to it later.”

Vanderwood brushed it off before picking the plates of food off the counter and looked at the redhead. “We’re eating in the living room today.”

“What? Why? I thought you hated getting food on the couch.”

“We’re watching a movie. And besides, I doubt you'd be able to spill a whole damn sandwich onto the couch like you did with the ice cream that day.” Even if he did drop the sandwich it wouldn’t be much of a hassle to clean up anyways so Vanderwood didn't mind it.

Luciel followed him out to the living room and made himself comfortable on the couch. Vanderwood had arranged a bunch of pillows and blankets on the couch, making it look like a comfortable nest to curl up in while watching movies together. He pulled his legs up and crossed them under him before moving a cushion onto his lap to use as a table for the plate. Vanderwood placed the plate on the pillow and the hacker gaped at it. Two grilled cheese sandwiches cut into cat faces stared back up at him and it was the cutest thing ever.

“...I don’t think I can eat them, they're too damn _cute._ ” 

“Eat. I didn’t spend all that time and energy for you to gawk at it like a fuckin fish out of water.”

“You expect me to _bite_ into this cute little-”

“You seemed to have no problem biting that rich trust fund kids cat, what’s stopping you now?”

“Sandwiches don’t recover from my bites.”

“Neither did his cat. Now eat your fuckin food.”

Vanderwood finally sat down next to him after placing a few more plates down on the coffee table in front of them. Luciel looked at all the food he had cooked for him, there was a steaming bowl of soup, some sausages cut into little octopus shapes, and for dessert there was a small bowl of ice cream topped with cherries along with a small, chocolate cake which he assumed was a lava cake. Vanderwood often made those for him when he finished his work on time and it was one of Luciel’s favorite desserts that Vanderwood baked.

“You’re spoiling me too much.”

“No, I think I’m spoiling you just enough.”

“Lies.”

“You’re right. I lied, it's not enough.”

“....no that’s not what I meant-”

“I know.”

He merely brushed the hackers still wet hair away from his eyes before it started dripping water onto the plate he was holding. “Eat before it gets cold.” He turned the TV on and went to Netflix, looking through the Disney movies they had before finally putting on Mulan. He knew Luciel was particularly fond of this movie and figured it would help him feel better.

The redhead nodded and started eating quietly and it was only then that Vanderwood took his eyes off him and started actually paying some attention to the movie that was playing. As long as Luciel was eating he would be okay. They sat together quietly, the only sounds in the room were coming from the TV and the hacker occasionally biting into the toasted sandwich. 

A few minutes into the movie he noticed Luciel raise a hand to his face for a few seconds and wipe at his eyes. Any other day he wouldn’t have paid much attention to it but he wasn’t going to ignore it today. “Are you crying?”

But that question only made him turn his face away more, Luciel’s weak attempt at trying to hide it only made it more obvious to him that he was, in fact, crying.

“No, I got a crumb in my eye.”

“How the _fuck_ do you get crumbs in your eye?”

“Don’t question it- hey!”

Vanderwood had cupped his cheek and turned his face towards his, making the redhead look up at him. His eyes were already puffy from crying before Vanderwood had gotten there but there were tears welling up in his eyes again. Vanderwood’s own eyes softened as he took in the expression on the younger one's face. “What’s wrong?”

“....it’s nothing-”

“Luciel.”

“...” 

“What’s wrong?”

The hacker sighed softly and averted his eyes. It was amazing how easy it was sometimes for Vanderwood to shut him up mid-lie. “It’s really nothing, I just…I’m not used to this.” He vaguely gestured towards the food and movie and then glanced down at the blanket nest he was half buried in, making Vanderwood raise an eyebrow at him.

“To what, being taken care of?”

“....”

“..oh.”

Well, that didn’t hit Vanderwood right in the heart. 

Nope. 

Not at all.

…

Okay, he lied. It hurt to know that the hacker had been denied what he had desperately needed for years. Part of him was surprised, _offended_ even, that the hacker didn't have anyone else take care of him and treat him with the love and affection he deserved. 

But the other part of him felt annoyed at the idea of someone else drowning the younger agent in affection. Luciel was _his_ hacker. Vanderwood was in charge of being his handler, of being his caretaker. Vanderwood is the only one allowed to give him affection, he'd tase anyone else that got too close to him- 

_Whoa there Vanderwood, calm your ass down_. 

He sighs and lets go of Luciel’s cheek, letting the redhead turn back towards the screen and away from his eyes. Vanderwood couldn’t let himself get possessive over him. He didn't really have the right. After all, like he’d said before; Vanderwood was just his handler, and nothing more.

...but that wasn’t going to stop him from giving the hacker the affection he needed.

“Do you dislike it?”

“..no..? It’s nice.”

Vanderwood wrapped an arm around Luciel and gently pulled him closer to his side before leaning down to gently press his lips on the top of his head in a feather light kiss. “Well in that case, I guess you’re just gonna have to get used to it soon.”

The brunet couldn’t help but melt internally as a soft red tint dusted the tips of Luciel’s ears and he looked away to hide his face. God, Luciel just gets cuter and cuter with every second. It was adorable how easily flustered he got by such simple affection. Vanderwood wanted to see more of it, but he needed to control himself, especially since he didn’t want to overwhelm the young hacker who was still new to this. 

Instead of giving him more kisses like he had wanted to, he pulled the redhead into his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist. Vanderwood rested his chin on the hacker's shoulder and continued to watch the movie, occasionally glancing to the side to see Luciel’s reaction. His cheeks were redder than before and his freckles stood out beautifully on his flushed cheeks. 

_Fuck, he’s adorable_.

“Come on, finish your food. I’ll let you go back to sleep when you do.”

“...can we watch more movies instead?”

“Sure.”

Needless to say, Luciel was rather happy in his new seat. He didn’t want to move from there and lose Vanderwood’s warmth, he hadn’t felt this comfortable and happy in a while. But at the same time, it scared him. Luciel was terrified of his feelings growing uncontrollable, of falling in love with the older agent.

At this point, it would be far more accurate to say he was scared of falling deeper for him.

Vanderwood himself had instructed him to never fall in love and to avoid the feeling like the plague. It wasn’t safe for them to be in relationships with people, it could get them hurt if the wrong people found out but it was easier said than done. His feelings were not something easy to control, Luciel had tried to bury them whenever he could but somehow they always found a way to resurface.

It didn’t help that Vanderwood had triggered his feelings for him to resurface by giving him soft kisses and holding him like this. 

Goddamnit, it took him fucking _months_ to sweep those feelings under the carpet but they just got blown straight back at him with the simplest of gestures. Luciel hated that he was so _weak_ for him. 

But at the same time he loved it.

He loved how easy it was for Vanderwood to pull him out of one of the worst depression ruts he’s had in his life. He loved how quick and eager Vanderwood was to help him. He loved how Vanderwood decided to drown him in affection without being asked to because he saw how much Luciel had actually needed him. Vanderwood was just ridiculously good at understanding and taking care of him and Luciel didn’t want to ever let him go. 

It was a bad idea to stay here like this, to fall deeper in love with him. But Luciel was greedy, once he got a taste of what he was missing it was hard for him to let go of what he’d needed for so long. And it was only for one day, right..? It was unlikely Vanderwood would spoil him any longer than that. So Luciel was going to soak up all the attention he had to offer until then.

Luciel quietly reached for the small bowl of soup, leaning back against Vanderwood’s chest with the bowl in his lap as they watched the movie. The older agent never let go of him, he kept holding him close and had his chin on his shoulder the whole time. Luciel was almost scared that he could feel his heartbeat against his chest, he felt like it was beating too loud and too fast. Can you blame him? His crush has his arms around his fucking _waist_ and was holding him like he meant the world to him.

Luciel was too gay for this.

“How is it?”

“How is what?”

“The soup.”

“Oh. It's uh….wet."

"I sure hope it is. Would be a problem if it weren't."

Luciel smiled a little, it was kinda funny how seriously Vanderwood delivered that line, and with such a straight face. Looks like the stricter agent could be funny when he wanted to be. Luciel scooped up a bit of soup with his spoon before lifting it to his lips and finally tasting it.

"..it's delicious."

"Glad you like it."

The redhead quietly continued sipping at the warm soup and glanced at his side towards Vanderwood. He hadn't seen him this relaxed in a long time and he was glad to see him like that. "You're not eating?"

"Hmm? Oh, yea. I ate before coming over." The older agent didn't have a single hint of irritation in his voice like how he usually did whenever he spoke. Looks like cuddles worked well to destress and relax _both_ of them and Luciel filed that bit of information away in his head for future use. 

The redhead was a little pouty of course; he wasn't ever really fond of eating alone, especially since back when he was younger he always shared his food with Saeran and he was used to giving his food away. He scooped up some soup and lifted the spoon to Vanderwoods lips silently, earning a confused look along with a raised eyebrow from the man. "I just told you I ate."

"You got here over an hour ago and I know how long the drive is for you." Luciel said as he pouted a little at him. That pout was all it took for the older agent to give in and open his mouth, letting Luciel feed him while he held him close. He had noticed earlier that Luciel always tried to feed him whenever he was eating alone, he used to think it was because he didn't want to (or maybe even couldn't) finish it on his own but now he realized it was because he didn't want to eat by himself. Vanderwood made a mental note to not eat before coming over to his place. He seemed happier on the days they had dinner together anyways. 

The rest of the soup disappeared quickly with them sharing what was left of dinner and Vanderwood accepted only one bite of ice cream and cake for dessert before urging Luciel to eat the rest. Of course that refusal to take a second bite of ice cream was met with another pout from the redhead. "Stop pouting, you're the one with the sweet tooth here, not me. Eat the rest." 

"But I'm sweet and you like me."

Well, he wasn't wrong there. Vanderwood glanced at him from the corner of his eye and raised an eyebrow. "Have I ever tried to eat you?" 

"Only in my dreams~" The hacker batted his eyelashes at him and Vanderwood gently flicked his forehead as he fought the urge to roll his eyes at the now flirty redhead but he smiled internally. Looks like Luciel was feeling well enough to joke and flirt like how he usually did with him, which was a good sign. It meant he was gonna go back to normal soon, and Vanderwood wanted him to feel better and start having fun again. 

"And?"

"I woke up before it could happen."

"That's because I don't eat sweet things."

"A shame, really. You seemed excited to finally get a taste of God Seven too~"

Sometimes Vanderwood couldn't tell if he was joking or not, the hacker put up such a front it was hard to tell. And sometimes he wasn't sure if he even really wanted to find out what was the truth. Having him flirt with him like this was fun, even if he wasn't serious. And besides, Vanderwood had never really _actually_ flirted back. He merely hummed softly and hugged him closer as he leaned back against the couch, letting the redhead lean back against his chest and get comfortable in his lap with him.

"I prefer admiring desserts from a distance."

"I'm literally in your lap."

"You're an exception."

"Aw, you think I'm special?~"

"Yes."

"Wow, no hesitation there." 

"Well, the fuck did you expect? You're a literal fucking genius and the most talented hacker in South Korea, of course you're special."

"You could've at least lessened the impact of those words ya know. It's not good for my faint heart." He dramatically placed a hand on his chest. The redhead was definitely caught off guard by how straightforward that reply was, especially since he was expecting Vanderwood to brush him off as usual. He found amusement in how the taller agent always sassed him and he was expecting sass again, not for him to actually play along. 

Well, fuck. If Vanderwood kept playing along then his gay little heart would be in danger. Well, more danger than it already is in.

"Oh? Sounds like someone's having trouble handling a little bit of praise. That's surprisingly cute of you." Vanderwood's long hair cascaded down Luciel's shoulder and chest as he snorted and turned to look at him, a small smirk tugging at his lips as he rested his cheek on Luciel's shoulder. 

Oh God oh fuck, Luciel could feel his heart begin beating faster. He just hoped Vanderwood couldn't feel it through his chest. 

And Vanderwood? The man was having the time of his life watching Luciel's face slowly turn the same color as his hair. He felt proud of himself for being able to fluster the redhead. Vanderwood was always on the receiving end of his teasing and flirting, it was nice to finally turn the tables on him. And if Luciel was going to react this cutely then he just might do it more often.

"E- no! I can handle it-"

"Look, now you just sound like a bottom." 

"Rude." 

"You're not denying it."

"Excuse you, I am a sadist and a switch."

"Really? You give off bottom bitch energy to me."

_"Rude!"_

"Again, you're not denying it."

"One more word and I'm revoking your cuddle privileges." Luciel huffed, earning a smirk from the older agent and he ate his ice cream, licking his lips to wipe away the little bit that got on the corner of his mouth. Vanderwood's eyes followed the movement of his tongue before he hummed and forced himself to look away, moving to rest his chin on his shoulder and watch the movie. 

Man, now all he could think of was how sweet Luciel's lips would taste, of how nice it would be to feel those soft, warm lips against his own, and of course not to mention that long tongue of his-

Okay he needed to stop himself right there before he let his imagination get the best of him. No wonder the agency didn't want their agents to be in relationships, love was a messy (and not to mention dangerous) emotion to deal with. But Vanderwood still didn't want to get rid of his feelings for him. Sure it would be safer for both of them if he did it but his feelings for the hacker were what got him through the day. 

Soon enough Luciel was done eating and he pulled away from Vanderwood's cuddles to put the plate back down on the table, making the taller agent frown at the loss of warmth. He finished off the glass of water Vanderwood had set aside for him before leaning back into the brunet again. The redhead grabbed a pillow and cuddled it to his chest as he tucked his head into the crook of Vanderwood's neck. He was warm, and despite not being fond of cigarettes the faint smell of smoke on his clothes was comforting to Luciel. It was a familiar scent to him, whenever he smelled it it meant that Vanderwood was nearby. It made him feel safe. He made him feel safe.

He eventually abandoned the pillow and shifted in his lap, turning to the side so that he could hug Vanderwood back instead. "I'm not letting you get all the cuddles for yourself." He still had his head tucked under Vanderwood's chin as he snuggled into him, and the gentle way he wrapped his arms around his body thawed Vanderwood's stone cold heart and melted it into a goopy mess. The taller agent merely wrapped his arms tighter around him and hummed softly. 

"You were the one _getting_ the cuddles though."

"Oh yea...well, I'm not letting you give all the cuddles."

"Just accept the affection you tomato haired shit."

"I _am_ accepting it!"

"Good, now shut up and let me cuddle you in peace."

The redhead hummed softly, his fingers curling in the soft material of his shirt as he clung to the older male. "....I didn't peg you as the cuddly affectionate type."

"I'm not." Vanderwood was quick to deny it. Almost a little too quick. Luciel raised an eyebrow and pulled away slightly to look up at him, a small, playful smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Oh, really? Hard to believe when you're holding me in your lap like this, madam~"

"I will drop you."

"No you won't."

"How sure are you about that?"

"Hella."

Vanderwood sat up straight with Luciel still in his arms and the redhead quickly clung tighter to him with a tiny yelp. "Okay! Okay I believe you, don't drop me please." 

"There we go."

"...bully."

He kept clinging to him when Vanderwood leaned back into the couch. Luciel tucked his head into the crook of his neck once again as he cuddled him, the tip of his nose pressed to his warm skin as he relaxed in his arms. The familiar scent of cigarettes, aftershave and something that was uniquely Vanderwood filled his senses and he sighed softly as he melted into him, closing his eyes and nuzzling into his neck more. 

The taller male on the other hand was dying. He could _feel_ Luciel's warm breath hit his neck and his lips were just barely brushing up against his skin. He both loved and hated it. He loved it because he got to hold the one he loved close and have him cuddle him back, and yet he hated it because fuck, he wanted to kiss him so fucking badly but he couldn't.

_Goddamnit Vanderwood, why'd you have to move him into your lap you fucking hopeless bisexual disaster-_

"...by the way, why _did_ you come over…? It's not like we had assignments to turn in." Luciel's voice was soft as he spoke while playing with a lock of Vanderwood's hair. Vanderwood furrowed his eyebrows as he looked down at the red haired man bundled up in his lap.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" 

"Uh...yea?"

"Because you didn't pick up your phone. I got worried, I thought something happened to you."

"...I'm sorry for that- _mpft-_ " His lips got smushed against the older agent's neck as Vanderwood squished him into a tighter hug to shut him up and the rest of his apology ended up coming out as a muffled mess. He let go only when he felt the hacker finally stopped mumbling against his skin.

"Stop apologizing for that. It's fine really, I get it. This shit you're going through isn't easy to deal with." Vanderwood rubbed his back comfortingly, still keeping the depressed sushi roll cuddled to his chest as he let out a soft sigh "...I know as an agent you're expected to not rely on anybody but...you got me alright? I'm here for you."

And of course, that makes Luciel tear up like the emotional little bitch he was. He was glad that Vanderwood had kept his head tucked under his chin, he wouldn’t see how easily affected he had gotten by those words. “...thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“That makes two of us.”

The redhead chuckled softly at that and Vanderwood hugged him a little tighter with a small smile. It was nice to hear the little laugh, every single sound of happiness that left Luciel’s lips made Vanderwoods chest feel warm. He wanted to hear him laugh like that more often, it would definitely make Vanderwoods days a whole fucking lot better. 

Fuck, he loved him so fucking much. 

They sat together like that in comfortable silence for a minute before Luciel opened his mouth again. “...do you still have work to do?”

“No, why?” Vanderwood still kept his arms wrapped around him, keeping him cuddled to his chest as Luciel continued to play with that same lock of hair from earlier. Looks like keeping his hands busy relaxed him, Vanderwood considered getting him a fidget cube or something of the sort as a small gift but honestly, he preferred it when Luciel played with his hair like this instead. 

“Oh, Does that mean uh...you can stay..?”

“Stay?” 

“Yea..? I mean, youdonthavetoifyoudontwantto-”

“Luciel.”

“Yea?”

“Slow down.”

“Okay.” Luciel chewed on his lip, wrapping the lock of hair around his finger as he took a deep breath and continued again, speaking a bit slower this time. ”I uh...you don't have to stay if you don't want to.” Vanderwood could tell he was blushing right now, he just wished he could see it.

“If I didn't want to stay I'd have left hours ago.”

“Oh.”

“Yea.”

“...thanks Vandy.” 

“You don’t have to keep thanking me over and over you know?”

“Oh. S-”

“What did I say about apologizing?”

“...sorry- wait no-”

“...”

Vanderwood gently flicked his forehead and Luciel whined in protest, though the whine turned into a small snicker within seconds. “I’m surprised you can still put up with me like this. Honestly speaking, I think you’re the only one who can put up with my bullshit.” 

“You think too highly of me sometimes. But yea, if you had someone else as your handler they'd have quit by now.”

“Good thing I have you then. You’re more fun than the others anyways.” 

Fun? He scolded him regularly and threatened him with a taser to motivate him. Guess Luciel and Vanderwoods definitions of fun were extremely different, but he was glad Luciel had admitted that he enjoyed his company the best. “If you think being threatened with a taser is fun then I’m concerned about your tastes in bed.”

“Play your cards right and maybe you’ll find out.”

“Spoken like a true bottom.”

“Hey. Rude.”

“Still not denying it.”

“Hmph.”

It was fun teasing him, Vanderwood enjoyed it more than he would've admitted. He rested his chin on top of Luciel’s head, enjoying the comfortable silence as he cuddled the redhead to his chest. He fit so perfectly in his arms and Vanderwood wanted to keep holding him like this forever. Just then Luciel snuggled into him more, curling up in his lap a little as he cuddled him and Vanderwoods heart melted on the spot. “You’re comfortable. Don’t wanna move.”

Vanderwood snorted softly and hugged him tighter. “Then don’t. Stay as long as you want to.”

He received a soft little hum and a happy noise in response, it made Vanderwoods heart beat a little faster. He just hoped the redhead wouldn't hear it. The older agent smiled softly as he ran his fingers through his fluffy red hair, taking in how soft the strands felt between his fingers. The redhead kept his head tucked neatly into the crook of his neck, his warm breath hitting Vanderwoods skin as the two cuddled quietly in the now dark room. It was only then that he realized that the movie ended a while ago, he was too preoccupied by the hacker in his lap to pay any attention to the screen. 

And a few minutes after that he noted that Luciel’s breathing had slowed down and he was no longer clinging tightly to him. Luciel’s arms were now wrapped loosely around Vanderwood and he carefully pulled away a little to look down at him only to have his heart melt into a goopy mess. 

The redhead had fallen asleep curled up in his lap and Vanderwood didn’t want to move. His chest felt warm as he admired the soft look on his face. He loved that Luciel trusted him enough to fall asleep in his arms like this and he was _not_ going to leave him alone when he trusted him to take care of him. 

The brunet slowly and carefully moved them so that they were now laying down on the couch instead of staying curled up in the corner against the mountain of cushions. Yes Vanderwood _could_ pick Luciel up and carry him to his bed where he could sleep better but he didn't want to risk waking him up. And besides, the couch was pretty comfortable too, why move when the two were perfectly happy where they were?

Vanderwood pulled the blanket up over their shoulders before wrapping his arm back around Luciel’s waist and let out a soft sigh. He was tired, he had cooked various types of food for him, not to mention cleaned the whole damn bunker for Luciel as quickly as he could. There were some areas of the bunker that still needed a bit more attention but he decided to leave them for the next day in favor of spending some time with the young hacker. He needed rest, but he didn’t really want to close his eyes at the moment. Could you blame him? The most beautiful person in the world was currently sleeping in his arms and how could he just fucking go to sleep and fucking miss a single second of this? Fucking hell.

He gently brushed a lock of hair away from his eyes and cupped his cheek, a softness in his eyes as he admired the relaxed look on the sleeping males face. Luciel had long eyelashes, and his cheeks were dusted with dozens of freckles. He’d never really noticed just how many freckles he had before, most of them were extremely faint and he assumed it was either because he stayed inside for so long or that he was using makeup to cover them up. He liked them, he liked how they looked on Luciel's skin. It made him cuter than he already was. Vanderwood gently stroked his cheek with his thumb, smiling softly down at him when Luciel leaned into his touch in his sleep.

Luciel moved a little and Vanderwood pulled his hand away from his face quickly, he didn’t want Luciel to wake up to him holding him like that, he didn’t want to give him the impression that he liked him. There weren’t supposed to be any feelings between them, they shouldn’t be thinking of romance or relationships or anything of the sort. It was far too dangerous for two agents to get involved with each other-

…but he still couldn't help but want it. 

Luciel ended up snuggling into him more, his face now only mere inches from Vanderwoods. They were so close that he could practically count each and every single one of those cute little freckles with ease. He realized his earlier gesture of pulling his hand away from his face in an attempt to hide the fact he liked him was rather useless. They were fucking cuddling each other and he’d already flirted with and kissed him. It might not have been on the lips but God it was so fucking obvious now that Vanderwood liked him. He was just lucky that Luciel was dense.

Vanderwood leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead as he wrapped his arm tighter around Luciel’s wasit, holding him close. “Sweet dreams, Luciel.” This wasn't far from what he wanted, it might not have been how he’d imagined it to be but he was alright with this for now. It would be a while until they could leave the Agency, and it would only be after they left that they’d be safe enough to live their lives the way that they wanted to.

But for now, he’d just enjoy this moment and keep holding Luciel for as long as he let him. He’d make sure Luciel felt safe and cared for, and he’d always be there for the hacker whenever he needed him. 

After all, he was there to take care of him, wasn’t he?


End file.
